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 e-mail Zelda
Zelda! Need help with a problem? Just want to blow off some steam? Just send me an e-mail. Although I can't respond to everyone, I will put the best in my column.


Hi! I'm Zelda!
Dear Zelda

Dear Zelda,

My boyfriend is a rapper. He's always rapping about hate and killing people. He says a revolution is coming and he's going to be one of the chiefs. He wants me to start carrying a gun. I love him and I want to do what he wants, but I have this bad feeling. What should I do?

-in love with a rap man

Dear in love with a rap man,

Revolution?? Tell your lover boy the biggest and the baddest gang on the block is the United States GOVERNMENT. And it doesn't matter what you do, you're both out of your fucking minds. 


Dear Zelda,

How do you meet girls? What do you say to a girl? How do I meet someone with legs like yours?

-Lonely in Nevada

Dear Lonely in Nevada,

Let's take your questions one at a time. The first question "how do you meet girls" is easy. Just put yourself in a situation where there are females; like a dance club. The second question "what do you say to a girl" is a little more difficult. If you're a hot, good looking guy with a huge penis creating a massive bulge in the groin area of your jeans, well you don't have to say much of anything. In fact, if your really hot looking, but really stupid, just say "hi" and we'll handle the rest of the conversation and maybe even pay for the motel room. If you're just average or perhaps just plain goddamn ugly, then things get a bit tricky. Always remember WOMEN CAN HAVE BABIES, so women will be selective, even if they're sluts. Some women think money looks good. In fact, there are women who are "money groupies". They can be a lot of fun until the money runs out. If you're low on cash and low on looks, look for a girl with similar features. REMEMBER: if you want a Barbie Doll you have to look like a Ken Doll. 

And as far as your third question, NO ONE has legs like mine.


Dear Zelda,

I think you are absolutely, 100%, out of your mind. I think you belong in a mental institution. I think you need sex therapy! You need to FIND JESUS! 


Dear Rob,

It takes one to know one. It takes two to tango. It takes a lot to laugh but it takes a train to cry. And he who is last will be first. So, eat shit Sherlock.


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