Dr. Laura
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger Invents Balloon Therapy for Sexual Deviant Behavior

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Dr. Laura holds a Balloon Clinic at the LA Civic Center. Subjects must be on their knees before God (Yaweh) holding their respective colored balloons. Pink balloons represent bad thoughts of sexual deviant behavior and black balloons represent actual deviant experiences.

Dr. Laura's new form of therapy is such a hot item that the only possible way to get to everyone is to hold extremely large therapy sessions in major city's across the nation. CN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. The nation's leading radio talk show psychologist has come forth with a radical new form of therapy. This new therapy, called Guilt Loss Aversion for Deviants or GLAD, is already being hailed by the California Psychological Studies Institute as the next 'great tool' for curing those afflicted with SDV (sexual deviant behavior). Dr. Arnold Rosenthal, California Psychological Studies Institute's chief administrator, has stated "In the long run, this new therapy may replace a patient's long involvement with psychotherapy. Of course, only time will tell if GLAD can truly change a person's sexual deviant behavior."

Dr. Laura, speaking with CN, defined GLAD therapy: "It's relatively simple. Because all sexual behavior outside of a bona fide marriage is a grave sin, there must be a way to rectify this aberrant behavior. And although God may or may not allow this behavior to be forgiven, we must at least try to rid ourselves of these sinful practices. A clean slate is better than a dirty one! The cleansing process of our sexual sins is a two fold process: first you must do away with deviant thoughts and second; you must clean up past guilt associated with sexual deviant behavior. We do this through a process called transference. The afflicted individual blows up two balloons; a pink balloon and a black balloon. The pink balloon represents your sexually deviant thoughts. The black balloon represents any sexually deviant behavior you have been involved in. Through the process of GLAD, individuals transfer those thoughts and behaviors into the balloons. Once the transference is successful, through a combination of dance and a mild form of sacrifice, the balloons are released as an offering to God to do with as He sees fit."

zeldad.gif (5757 bytes) Laura gets down


Dr. Laura performs the GLAD therapy dance. Dr. Laura adapted the dance,  from early Judaic tribal practices, to a form of modern disco.

Dr. Laura's new form of therapy is such a hot item that the only possible way to get to everyone is to hold extremely large therapy sessions in major city's across the nation. "People want to get ready for the Messiah," says Dr. Laura. "The end is near and the entire earth is just a vast Sodom and Gomorrah!"

CN asked Dr. Laura if this new form of therapy was an outcome of her lawsuit concerning naked pictures of her taken by a former lover that were published on the Internet. "Perhaps," answered Dr Laura. "I, of course sent my two balloons to God. But again, I want to remind you that those pictures were taken long ago when I was SEPARATED FROM MY HUSBAND. So, my sins were more of a venial nature than truly grave. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go take on a football team, I MEAN, I must go take on the DAY."

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