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"If you find him, tell him I said to go to hell."
-Sharon Marington, former wife of Professor Bob Lamber

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Black Holes Found In Particular Members Of Human Species

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CN SEATTLE WASHINGTON. SPECIAL REPORT. Dean McNabe, astronomer with the Hubble Telescope project, hopped a jet to Seattle desperately trying to find his old university buddy Bob Lamber. Dean carried a briefcase containing the latest photos from the Centaurus A galaxy; clearly showing, in wonderful color and detail, a black hole.

Bob Lamber had once been a professor at the University of Washington who had become infamous for his pioneering research in optics and microradiography. He held several patents including the Hyper-XR- Microscope that was used to take this photo of a female test subject (lower right of above photo). Professor Lamber was dismissed from the UW faculty because of his unauthorized experiments with high levels of x-rays performed on his own female students. Bob, receiving a tip from a faculty friend, mailed off a set of his best research photos to his friend Dean McNabe. Later that same day, all of Bob's research was confiscated by the FBI. That day was November 4, 1989.

Since Bob had dropped out of sight over the past nine years, Astronomer McNabe knew his only hope was to locate Sharon Marington, Bob's former wife (and one of Bob's former test subjects for his Hyper-XR-Microscope). McNabe, after racking his memory for Sharon's former last name, found her number listed in the Seattle phone directory. Ms. Marington told Dean McNabe "I don't know where in the hell he lives. He owns me money. Fat chance I'll ever see it. I think he's a crack addict these days. I hear he hangs out at a Starbucks coffee shop by Pioneer Square downtown. Maybe he works there or, more likely, it's where he waits for drugs. If you find him, tell I said to go to hell."

McNabe quickly made his way to locate the coffee shop downtown. He was willing to stake out the establishment for as long as it took to find his friend Lamber. McNabe waited for ten hours (6 lattes, 2 grande mochas, 1 vanilla latte, 1 decaf hazelnut latte; plus almost finishing one of the book selections from the Oprah Winfrey Book Club). McNabe could not believe his eyes when a forlorn, terribly emaciated Bob Lamber entered the coffee shop.

"Bob...Bob, it's me Dean...Dean McNabe." Bob Lamber's glazed eyes rested on Dean for several moments; then his eyes seemed to become crystal clear. "Dean! I can't believe it!" Both friends gave each other a big back slapping hug. "What are you doing here Dean?"

Astronomer McNabe led Bob Lamber to the nearest table and pulled out the latest photos from the Hubble Telescope and laid Bob's Hyper-XR-Microscope photos next to them for comparison. "What the hell...." said Bob. McNabe quickly spoke up "Bob, the Hubble photos are of a black hole. Your photos are exactly the same. You always thought that you were just photographing a highly magnified area of firing neurons. Of course it's just conjecture at this time, but you might have been the first to photo black holes in females....well, blonde females that is. It's time, Bob, for you to win back your seat at the University and perhaps....take your proper place in scientific history!"

Bob Lamber couldn't believe his eyes and ears. He was ecstatic. "I've got to call my x-wife Sharon. The photo you're holding is Sharon. It's the one that best shows the black hole in blondes!" Dean's reply was "I don't think calling her is a good idea right now." Bob was already at a public phone calling his former wife.

  Bob: "Honey, this is Bobby."
  Sharon: "You have a lot of guts to call me; especially at this hour!"
  B: "But honey, this is very very important!"
  S: "Quit calling me honey! Now spit it out so I can go to sleep!"
  B: "Remember those photos I took of you with the                  Hyper-XR-Microscope that had all the beautiful colored sparks?"
  S: "Yea, so what?"
  B: "Well, honey, the photo is showing that you have a black hole!"
  S: "That's it, you a**hole! I get stuck with a mortgage and heap of credit card bills and you call me up in the middle of the night and call me a whore! Never and I mean never call me again!"

Photo from the Hubble Space Telescope.


copyright 1998 by CN